Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Dialogue with myself

I go to sleep exhausted and wake up tired, its been happening for months now, today I decided to actually think about the reason, to sit down and take a long hard look at myself.

I have been going through my daily routine like an automaton, whether it is work or duties at home or watching a film or play..... I do not have any enthusiasm for anything. I have a sense of disconnect with everything around me. The world moves and I move in step with it, but my pace is slower. I find people around me fired with passion and I envy them. I have no real goal which I want to achieve, no mountain to climb, no song to sing. My life has had as much happiness or sadness as the other person, with a little variation in degree.

Since I was very young I used to do self analysis, which some have said is not the best thing to do. It helped me to understand myself better and while this was happening I found myself understanding others better, so if anyone chose to throw a barb at me I would look at him or her and try to reason why it was thrown. The barbs and the arrows flung at me always hurt but never very deeply and in time I learned to let them not hurt at all. I once tried to see whether they could be deflected without touching me, but then I would have lost the pleasure of feeling anything at all. Ah !!! Feeling!! Feelings of pleasure, of love, of joy and sorrow... I have had all those but somehow those feelings have not ever had passion. It was not always like this. When I started out with my working life or even before that in college or school there was a certain will to live and succeed. I seem to have lost it , this will to live so I continue to do what I do without any real feeling of happiness or sadness. I just continue to exist in a world among a millions of others and do not really know what I am doing here. Why can't I like so many others feel happiness deep down inside of me? Just the other day for example, when I was at a wedding of a relative, looking around I found people so alive, and I felt a certain lack in me. I was all dressed up like the others for the occasions but a sense of weariness was all I felt. It was as if I had wrapped myself in the trappings of socially acceptable behavior, all I could feel was a sense of complete detachment from it all.

I had been asked to take 'sanyas' two decades ago, but at that time I had not agreed , my thought was for my parents, I thought that I could be a support if I was around them. Perhaps I was wrong, for life continues with or without another, they would have had each other for support. Looking back always gives you a better perspective, if I had made a different decision then, perhaps this sense of disconnect with what is around me would not have been.

I wonder if given the opportunity, if I could ever love with abandon , work with unbridled enthusiasm, laugh with glee or dive into the depths of sorrow. I have felt all those, but where I am now I seem to have left it all behind and stand alone among crowds seeking a meaning for my very existence as it were.

I do not know why I am here, nor where I am going. I feel as if I am slowly giving up, I wish I could leave this mortal body, but not every wish can attain fruition, I will continue to live until then, with a show of enthusiasm for the world around me, much like the finery one wears for some occasion.

I look for answers but cannot find any.

1 comment:

Lakshmi said...

Hello Nandita....quite an interesting blog....Life and the moments caught well by you