Storms.

Just the other day I was talking to my nephew in Delhi ans he said the dust storm blowing all around was threatening to leave inches of dust inside despite the closed windows. Took me back in time, this seems to be happening a bit often nowadays.

We lived in Chandigarh when I was a child until Dad was transferred to ( the then ) Bombay. An idyllic life, as most small town lives tend to be. Nothing much ever happens, as a child you go to school ,play, study, go for an outing to the lake or the market at the center of town, which is the MOST happening place, where nothing ever happens; and of course the occasional movie.

The innate charm of Chandigarh most decidedly is that it is a well planned city and nature is as visible as man made constructions. The homes have well kept gardens, and parks for children to play are abundant.

Weather changes have been occurring all over the world and it must be the same in the town of my childhood.
As a child I was unaware of these. There were the three main seasons summer winter and the rainy, it was never the monsoon then. One hot , the other freezing cold when electric heaters were the norm and the rains which were gave much needed respite from the summer heat.

Then there were the the storms. There were many towards the end of summer, most of these accompanied by gale force winds often but not always rain cooling the atmosphere with the suddenness of their arrival.

One afternoon Mom came on the porch and yelled "KALI AANDHI, GO INSIDE! " It was the middle of the afternoon. Mom suddenly remembered the mangoes, they would have been ruined in the rain, so we all made a dash towards the trees, while the help ran upstairs to collect the drying clothes. The wind was blowing stronger and we were collecting as many mangoes as was possible before the downpour. It was getting less bright and Mom pointed out the scene to us. At the far horizon it was DARK and it was coming closer, striding running almost sprinting to cover the entire town. When Mom had shouted the warning, I had instinctively understood the urgency in her voice but not what the content of the words, having never experienced a black storm.  And my word! Within minutes the wind-speed increased to frock raising, tree swaying levels, the latter almost bent from the effort of protecting themselves from the unnatural onslaught. The bright afternoon light changed to evening then twilight to pitch dark all in almost a blink of the eye. The darkness which was evident in the far horizon overtook all the houses. And then it started raining. Incessant impenetrable sheets pouring down in the night / afternoon. No thunder or lightening, just darkness and rain.Then as suddenly as it appeared it stopped. The garden and the porch waterlogged and the atmosphere cool.We were inside with candles lit in the face of the darkness, as the electricity had gone as usual, the rains and the winds had played havoc with the electrical system.

The darkness remained for about a quarter of an hour, and as suddenly as it had showed up, vanished into the blue. From light to dark and back to light in a spate of a few short minutes. Incredible!

Ambition and Aspirations

I am content with my mediocrity.

When I observe people around me wanting to be the best, wanting to be someone special in a world which says that one just has to excel, has to be noticed, has to leave their stamp, I wonder if I am a complete misfit.
There world's population has reached to the point where after a while we may be treading on each others toes while we standing. Most people are born live their lives and then die unsung, remembered by a few of their dear ones for a few years. That has been the case for eons, for every Ceaser there were thousands of the citizens of Rome, for every Gandhi they were the freedom fighters who gave up their lives but have been lost to time.We remember those that made a difference, who shaped history,but the common people who were as necessary for history to be made are long forgotten.

I see my maids cooking or cleaning for me, their lives have relevance and if I can make them smile or laugh, give some respite to their hard lives, I feel a sense of achievement, if not that then at least momentary fulfillment. I see people walking on the streets on the way to their work, a part of the multitude who have to labor just for the preservation of their family and their lives. There are children who beg on the roads and are seemingly happy with their lives, they must be as happy or sad as anyone else. They do not seem to have any other aspirations. Its not the same with the maids though.They earn a living and definitely have ambitions, not so much for themselves as much as for their children, they are not literate but want the next generation to do better than them. As people go higher up the economic ladder, ambitions and aspirations are bound to rise too.

A comfortable childhood would necessarily lead to the same in adulthood or then even better under some circumstances. I had one. There was no reason for any discontent but then there was never pressure for being excellent like there is nowadays.If I was within the first ten in my class of forty plus I was happy, if among the first five it felt better. There was only one time when I dipped to thirteenth and that was the bluest day of my life. Then there was one time when I came first and my happiness knew no bounds.But again there was never any innate need to repeat this.

Much later as a young adult, I wanted to change the world, which  now I see was nothing extraordinary, youth have this kind conviction and we really think we can make a difference at that stage. It is only when we start working and get caught up in our family lives and just get on with living, that these convictions take a back seat and personal ambitions take over. It was the same with me, but about that a bit later.

Just as an aside, on weekends sometimes we used to go as a family to visit temples. I remember visits to Mumbadevi, Mahalakshmi and Babulnath clearly. The crowds of people praying and the asking for some wish fulfillment, I would stand there bemused seeing all those people, what and why were they asking all the time? And for quite a while after that I became an atheist, could not understand we had to always beg for mercy pray for favors. It changed much later.

So to get back to my personal ambitions I did see quite soon that I quite keen in my grasp, maybe a trifle more compared to my peers, could get to the crux of many issues and find solutions quite easily, the logical part of my brain helped a lot. I also realized that I was ambitious, and wanted to get somewhere. Soon enough it dawned on me that it was not up to me at all.People don't like other people who may be a bit more intelligent specially if they are competing for the first place.And then I also understood that what I lacked was the killer instinct, and the lack of interest to make a dedicated effort toward excellence. If I had had that perhaps it would have been different. I still strive for perfection and when I see that I have not done as well as I could it bothers me. Over the years I have come to terms with the fact that I will not be going any further. Perhaps that has resulted in looking at the younger generation and giving them some tips, and it has given me even greater satisfaction when they go ahead. If I have played a negligible role in someones progress that is enough for me. A compromise perhaps but worth the effort.

I also know now that I am just another person among millions, not among the top ten percent of the achievers but the ninety who live their lives their lives simply and die quietly. What amuses me is that there are so many in this category who in their little groups or cliques still want to be noticed looked at and generally be 'top dog',have some power over the few people that they know and revel in it. Another expression of ambition perhaps and of the self definitely, because we consider ourselves important to ourselves and therefore to others so we MUST have some way to have a hold over them and make ourselves feel better.

Right now all I aspire for is someone to come and help me clean my cupboard.Don't really want to make an effort.

Still Searching.

The turmoil returns again, it tears up my very being. I dither between reality and imagination. What is happening around me is reality but my imagination of the reality, is itreal or just a story made by my restless mind? I get a sock in the face whenever I confront it, don't want to believe what I imagine to be true. Return to practical reasonable thought and be what I am in normal circumstances.But reason fails and once again the soul is tormented. Is it coincidental or just a natural progression of events, I will never know. I try to find answers in the sequence of occurrences. The turn of events shatter self belief.

The bonds we share the relations built over time, will they all come to naught? They will, of course in the end when we leave the body. One hears of soul mates and marriages made in Heaven, all ordained by some higher being. Do we then have no say in the events because it was already written by 'the moving finger' which 'having writ moves on'. And we are left to transcribe and play out what it wrote, helpless in the face of  circumstances over which we have no control.

Why does this turmoil continue to torment my soul? I try to find the answers but sometimes reason becomes unreasonable, as I watch what happens around me. And does the entire responsibility rest with me? I don't know but I am determined to find the answer, I may not, this I am aware of . It requires calmness of mind and now the mind is not of this, it requires reasonable thought but the reigns of the mind have been let loose and thoughts gallop so fast that control becomes impossible.There has to be clarity but a fog of emotions surround me, clear thinking recedes. It will come back soon but the turmoil shall return too. Memories will erupt from the depths of brain and conscious thought will wrestle with reason once again.

इनायत ए ज़िन्दगी बेशुमार इतनी
महसूस किया तो रोना आया

दोस्तों की दोस्ती छु गयी इतनी
दुश्मनी को देखा तो दिल भर आया


ऐसा क्यूँ समझते हैं की हम इश्क के काबिल नहीं
मोहोब्बत हमने भी की बस उनको एहसास ना आया


तरन्नुम यादों का गूंजा हवाओं में
भूले से भी उनको कभी कुछ ना आया

There have been cats all around me since childhood. Cats of all kinds. There has beeen only ONE Kali. The cat.
Kali my beautiful ugly. The first cat to be born inside the house, a little black blob entering our world and making it beautiful.

As she grew there were yellow specks all over the black ,not many but enough to make her look a bit ugly. As cats go she was pretty, and as smart and intelligent as her mother Billo Rani.

We had an old Fiat car at that time and Kali loved sitting on the parcel tray at the back and being driven around, what she loved more was the attention she got from the passing motorists. After receiving her due share of it she would settle down to snooze during the drive.

AND the dogs in the apartment were terrified of her. She would run up to this black one and look him straight in the eyes nose to nose and the poor thing would just back off. Everyday. By this time she had stopped staying at home, happy to wander around in the premises and just come home for meals.And by then we had progressed from a Fiat to a Maruti 800. Kali loved it although it did not have a parcel tray. She was older and perhaps wanted a living,dining ,bedroom to herself.She decided to make it her home, we had no say in the matter. When I came home from work she jumped in and then did not jump out.SO! Food for Kali to be served in the car please. And please leave the windows open,dear... I plan to sleep here too.One window was left open all night for her come rain or sunshine. The neighbors were surprised when they saw my car open all night but Kali was a favorite so they quite understood.

When the kitchen was being redone she would come up as usual for her meal at night and then go around and inspect the work of the day. Give her catapproval and then go back to her car bedroom. When it was finally done she loved the new setup and came up more often.

Years later, there was some other major work being done in the house, my father was unwell and almost bedridden, when one day the car cleaner ran up and told me that Kali was lying on the sidewalk without moving.Fortunately it was my day off from work and I rushed down to see her lying there unable to get up. There were some paw marks so apparently she had dragged herself onto the sidewalk and collapsed with exhaustion. She had been possibly hit by a car earlier on and had broken a bone. I carried her upstairs and called the vet. After the x ray was taken he said he would not be able to do much except give her medicines for pain and antibiotics and that she needed to rest completely and would be better in a month. Kali and rest did not go together. She found every opportunity to get out, She could not walk or run, just hop like a rabbit and she was faster than a rabbit can ever hope to be.Several times there would be three people running down the stairs to get her back home, and it was quite a chase.She healed soon enough and was back downstairs to her car abode, but not before going to my father's room and showing him that she was well enough to go downstairs.

On normal days she would come upstairs and Mom would give her the evening meal and she would go back downstairs after eating.  One day when I came home really late from work, Mom told me that Kali had been sitting with her for three hours since about 5pm. Very strange behavior indeed when usually she would run away fast because of the other cats.

My mother died that night.Kai knew, but how? I shall never know. People say some animals can sense when the end is near specially of those that they love a lot. Kali my smart intelligent ugly angelic beauty sat with Mom at the table just to be with her in her final hours.

Miss you my black beauty!! You and Mom must be together up there along with the other cats and watching over us. Love you forever!!

Morning Mantra.

Blushing pink rays against the trees
Carpets flying against soft breeze
One merges into white
One disperses out of sight
Timeless bursts of light
Distant hours of flight
On the trail of dawn
Soft footed, sure the morn.

NK
......

In A Flap

And so I was on my way to Pune FINALLY. Had been planning for months, but something or other came in the way of the road to Pune.

Vijji had called me a month ago a month before, and said that she would be going to Pune and would be visiting a mutual friend who had been ill for over two months. I was elated to note that the day was a Wednesday  and I  could go too as it was a free day. I had decided in advance that I would take the bus as I usually did.
It had been raining cats and dogs for many days before the much awaited journey.I had been advised not travel by road as I had to come back on the same day , the traffic conditions could turn chaotic.
Just two nights before I was to leave, I decided to travel by train instead, the least that could happen would be some minor delay. So I asked Nikki to book my tickets on the net and she willingly did it and got me the printouts the next day.
And then it was GET SET GO. The taxi came at the appointed time , so did the train and the breakfast when the train chugged off, followed by the much needed sleep in the comfortable seat. All ON TIME! Just before  I fell asleep I checked my ticket once again, return in the evening at  6.05 hours. Great , now onto dreamland.
I arrived on time in Pune and took an auto to where Vijji was staying with her son. She had offered to fetch me from the station but seeing the distance I told her that I would come on my own. Vamsi , Vijji's son was to come and pick me up at an appointed place. I got a good honest auto driver and reached without any trouble.
We met and talked for some time and then decided to go out for lunch. We were supposed to go to visit our friend at about 3pm.It was all sailing along smoothly , we finished lunch and proceeded to Boat Club Road.
Once there we were happy to see that Kash was better but very tired and looking a bit peaked because of the ordeal she had gone through. Kash is such a wonderful hostess, we enjoyed the lovely afternoon and the Colonel and she kept us entertained along with scrumptious goodies for tea.
The afternoon passed much too soon and it was time for me to leave for the station for my return journey. Check ticket and off we go . Kash's husband dropped me to the station and I waved a goodbye.

I entered the station and looked at the the prompter above for my train and the platform number. I did not see it. Huh? Looked down at the printout and back up at the prompter, still no mention of my train. There was a porter standing close by, so I asked him where this train was supposed to come. He looks at me and shakes his head....... no train at 6.05pm but there is one at 5.55. WHAT? Its 5.35 pm , back to the prompter to confirm, he is right, the train are at 5.55, 6pm and then at 6.15pm and only one to Mumbai. God Almighty , now what? I then looked at the printed board showing all the trains and the timings, HELP.... my train had left at 6.05 AM. ACTION STATIONS!!  5.55 here I come, but how ? There was a ticket counter where 3 people were waiting to buy tickets, ENQUIRIES AT WINDOW 24 ONLY. Where in the dickens was number 24? Start running about like a flapping hen searching for 24 to no avail. Time ticking by. Finally find a counter which is empty and the guy behind him my ticket, he says but a ticket at any counter and take the train at DARN IT 5.55pm. There is a serpentine queue at the ticket counter, I will never catch the train.. Oh what about that counter where there were only three people? Rush back still flapping. Buy a ticket to get to the train unreserved . Its 5.45. Now flap really hard  and reach the platform but where do I board? Brain screaming at me to get on wherever there is a door. I do just that. Flapping stops and panting starts. I ask a gentleman where I go with this ticket. He points to the general compartment and I gingerly make my way there. WOW! Not an inch of decent standing space even. How will I stand there for the next three and a half hours. Edge back to the other compartment , the helpful man tells me to find a place to sit there and pay the ticket collector the extra fare for the seat when he comes around. She comes and is instantly by others with tickets like mine. So this is official, God you are really kind! Pay the extra fare and settle down , thought for a minute about taking a chance at the next station for the air conditioned coach but better sense prevailed.

Heaved a sigh of relief and settled down to sleep. Ordeal over. Peace again.