The aircraft bearing her mortal remains will soon touchdown on her motherland. A land which has robbed her of her youth, and her hopes for her future.The fearless girl who fought to save her life against all odds is no more. There were six men who ruined her but can we point a finger at only those six demons? Those six and many like them are a product of a deeper social malaise which grips our society.An ancient culture facing a young and vibrant world, where the strong traditions are almost at loggerheads with the onslaught of fast paced developments, where although we want to embrace the modern we are unable to distinguish between modernity and tradition. While the traditions of any social structure form the backbone on which the culture survives, new influences are bound to come with changing times.

We can shout ourselves hoarse about issues which bother us, have discussions, march with candles and have unending debates, these will only be of any consequence if and only if the it awakens the powerful from their stupor induced by the very power that they flourish. We are a democratic republic who elect our representatives and yet those that represent us behave with scant respect for those that elect them. Laws are broken with impunity, wheeling and dealing is the order of the day, there is absolutely no connect with the public in most cases. A small example is the condition of the roads a very trite but true fact. Places where the ' rich and influential' reside have smooth paved roads, in contrast the roads which common men traverse are potholed, the footpaths are taken over by small businesses paying 'hafta' to the agencies who then leave them to do their work in peace. Walk out of any suburban station in Mumbai and you will find vegetable vendors have taken over almost the entire road while just a small distance away the municipal market where they should be doing their business is empty with a few stray shops. When the law of the land can be broken with such ease, where at every step there is someone willing to give a bribe to some other who willingly accepts it, where the laws themselves come with so many loopholes that it is easy to slip out of any wrongdoing, what can be said about a mere rape? The rape we talk of now is a physical one which has robbed a life, but as a society we have been raped willingly and have been silent onlookers participating in our own moral rape and degradation, because this is what we have been doing to ourselves for the past over sixty years. The rape is not only of girls but of a whole social political and economic structure.

While I write this another rape has occurred in another city. We discuss and rant and rave .... the law which is pending for the last seven years will take another few to be passed. Can we ask for to a stringent laws to be passed, for an independent police force which works with the people and not for the people who don 'khaki'. The unfortunate fact is that however much it is denied, the influence of the political class has a bearing upon the working of the police, an honest officer CANNOT survive in a system which is rotten.

We have to look at the kind of films which are being made, or at least some of the content which is included in them. At the cost of being a moral prude, I want to ask what message is being sent across to young men with high libidos? An 'item number' which normally displays a lone woman wearing next to nothing dancing to lewd lyrics with about a hundred men trying to paw her is as blatant a message as cigarette smoking, so while the message about injury to health due to smoking can be displayed before the film, what message can be displayed about lewd dancing to more lewd lyrics? Or can we end this show of women being treated as a sexual object.?

The issues which plague us are many, I have pride in the progress we have made since independence, I have pride in my all embracing culture, my pride has doubled when I see the youth of today making making their stance for change, for change will happen when their voices are heard and pulse of the people is understood. The time for platitudes is over, what the people need now is not assurances but resolute action.

The rape and consequent death of ' India's daughter' should not be in vain. 'Damini' 'Nirbhaya' .. watch us from above this so that bolt of lightening electrifies the atmosphere for change which is relevant and ongoing

RIP, brave one.
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A crying shame

As we approach the end of another year and look for reasons to celebrate new beginnings, the horror of the past week is relayed to us with each passing minute. A young girl struggles for her life while the perpetrators of a heinous crime ask to be hanged with false bravado. This is only one incident, horrific and shameful, there are such happening everyday in every village town and city. Acid attacks, rapes, molestations, crimes against women are on the rise. There are those which are committed against young boys, perhaps the percentage is less, the figures are not important. What is important is that we as a society are slowly but surely slipping into an abyss of moral degradation.

Why are children not safe with "uncles" who look after them? Why are they sodomized so that it leaves a permanent scar on their psyche? We have to look at the reasons for these and other crimes like female foeticide, female infanticide to see what then leads to other crimes. We live in a society which is considered religious spiritual and perhaps because of these, moral..... but the very sorry fact is that those same men who pray to Goddesses and worship them with reverence do not care a whit while doing dastardly acts. Where have we gone wrong? We live in a male dominated society, with women even now covering their faces amidst their male counterparts. In an age when there is progressive thought all around, the unfortunate fact is that this has not seeped down to the smaller towns and villages where even the male is considered the more powerful and the female counterpart is kept under severe restrictions. Without going into specifics, there are pockets where a female child is most unwelcome,and instantly killed at birth... and these are the ones which are brought to light, the norm is that the the birth of a female child is not welcome. She is considered a burden while the male child is considered auspicious because he will carry forward the family name, be the one who will perform the last rites, considered so sacred to the 'Hindu'. Are we governed by our religious leanings and traditional way of thinking so much so that we cannot even consider gender equality and respect for each and every individual and break through this mire of  dead thought? Why have we fallen so such abysmal depths where we cannot see that a country can only reach its optimal progress when each and every individual regardless of gender is given equal opportunity. Why is there even now so much backwardness in remote areas ? Why, in small towns even to this day are women considered safer when they are at home. Why do we have this very 'protective' attitude toward the 'weaker sex' ? Look at yourselves, are you protecting the women of your families from others or from your own selves? Around you in cities where women are considered more emancipated , however much that may be, there will always be a male who will dominate. Is it about the male ego and the power which he wields over the female? Are we giving wrong signals to our children at home, in schools where we nurture them?  Why is the female population less in percent to males? Are we teaching our coming generations to become beasts or can we instil in them the humanity which is so sorely needed?

What of police action in the last two days? Does a peaceful protest require brutality? Where did the lumpen elements come from .. and this is not a question which needs much thought... there is political backing ...people are sent to break any kind of uprising and then there are those who want maximum mileage out of the anger which is seething within the general public and this is not for any one stray incident... it has been brewing for long, it is now making itself felt and is shouting in the many voices of young India for justice. Justice not only for women but in the larger sense justice towards each and every issue which plagues our society.

Let us just consider a small issue of making a complaint to the police, filing an FIR, it is not easy, most of the time it is not done at once, in many cases specially in remote areas where there are crimes the police does not even care to listen to the victims as they as there is connivance between them and the powers that be in that area. How can justice be meted out to the normal law abiding citizen when those that are considered to be protectors of law and order do not abide by the very law they protect.?

Then comes this whole social issue of how a woman is tainted when a crime is perpetrated on her. When we consider the female to be the weaker , in need of protection  and societal pressures make it difficult for a woman to even come out and speak up for herself. What kind of society is this which allows for the victim to hide and the criminal to roam free with his head held high?  Where are we heading in this endless race for power in this deep unending pit of corrupt practices. Is this the result we get from the many years of fighting for freedom? A country can only be free when its people are free to express with rational thought, where reasonable and quick action is taken , where criminals are not protected by the powerful who are as corrupt as them, where values taught in childhood remain until the end and do not get caught up in the quagmire of  a system which decries honesty.

Until then we will cry ourselves hoarse when the next big issue comes up, and we will never ever be able to come out of the rut of our old ways and move towards a a really democratic society.

While the young girl ' Nirbhaya ' struggles for her life ... there is another crime happening elsewhere. How many more 'Nirbhaya's' are we going to create. We have to create a climate which is abhaya, a fearless society where there is mutual respect where one can walk with head held high with pride. I do not see this happening so soon but the seeds have been sown ...... it takes time for a tree to grow and bear fruit. I am waiting for the sprouts to show themselves so that I can be assured that with proper nurture the tree will grow strong.











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Dialogue with myself

I go to sleep exhausted and wake up tired, its been happening for months now, today I decided to actually think about the reason, to sit down and take a long hard look at myself.

I have been going through my daily routine like an automaton, whether it is work or duties at home or watching a film or play..... I do not have any enthusiasm for anything. I have a sense of disconnect with everything around me. The world moves and I move in step with it, but my pace is slower. I find people around me fired with passion and I envy them. I have no real goal which I want to achieve, no mountain to climb, no song to sing. My life has had as much happiness or sadness as the other person, with a little variation in degree.

Since I was very young I used to do self analysis, which some have said is not the best thing to do. It helped me to understand myself better and while this was happening I found myself understanding others better, so if anyone chose to throw a barb at me I would look at him or her and try to reason why it was thrown. The barbs and the arrows flung at me always hurt but never very deeply and in time I learned to let them not hurt at all. I once tried to see whether they could be deflected without touching me, but then I would have lost the pleasure of feeling anything at all. Ah !!! Feeling!! Feelings of pleasure, of love, of joy and sorrow... I have had all those but somehow those feelings have not ever had passion. It was not always like this. When I started out with my working life or even before that in college or school there was a certain will to live and succeed. I seem to have lost it , this will to live so I continue to do what I do without any real feeling of happiness or sadness. I just continue to exist in a world among a millions of others and do not really know what I am doing here. Why can't I like so many others feel happiness deep down inside of me? Just the other day for example, when I was at a wedding of a relative, looking around I found people so alive, and I felt a certain lack in me. I was all dressed up like the others for the occasions but a sense of weariness was all I felt. It was as if I had wrapped myself in the trappings of socially acceptable behavior, all I could feel was a sense of complete detachment from it all.

I had been asked to take 'sanyas' two decades ago, but at that time I had not agreed , my thought was for my parents, I thought that I could be a support if I was around them. Perhaps I was wrong, for life continues with or without another, they would have had each other for support. Looking back always gives you a better perspective, if I had made a different decision then, perhaps this sense of disconnect with what is around me would not have been.

I wonder if given the opportunity, if I could ever love with abandon , work with unbridled enthusiasm, laugh with glee or dive into the depths of sorrow. I have felt all those, but where I am now I seem to have left it all behind and stand alone among crowds seeking a meaning for my very existence as it were.

I do not know why I am here, nor where I am going. I feel as if I am slowly giving up, I wish I could leave this mortal body, but not every wish can attain fruition, I will continue to live until then, with a show of enthusiasm for the world around me, much like the finery one wears for some occasion.

I look for answers but cannot find any.

Stanley Road Chronicles

It is an imposing structure for a home, but to me it was a place full of warmth love and laughter even in the bitter December cold.

I was introduced to its grandeur when I was nine months old, it had always been Mom's 'maika' and it was there that she went when Dad had to go on a foreign tour. There are some photos of my much older cousins looking at a baby, taken to keep my father updated of my well being. Those are photographs of other people's memories. My earliest ones are of reaching Allahabad station by train, to be received by a waiting crowd of cousins all older, and my masi who used to come there for the vacations from Benaras during her school break. A short drive and we were there, at the Gothic entrance, running into the cool haven of the high roofed house. Book shelves line one wall and on the other side was a grand carpeted staircase which led up to the room we stayed in. It was the room where my grandfather liked to stay ... with a study one one side, and a dressing room and huge bathing area on the other. The balcony attached to the room looked on to the lawns which were at two levels. The easy chairs must have been the ones in which he relaxed on a quiet evening.

Chameli would come running to meet my mother, she had looked after Mom after both her parents died, attended to all her personal needs when the young child girl needed tending  and care. Chameli was always happy to see the children of the one she had tended to with so much care and we were happiest to run to her quarters in the servants quarters and play with the children there, there were many... those of the driver, the cook , the games and simple, hopscotch and seven tiles were favorites.

There is an 'imli' tree which is right in the center of the huge courtyard where we used to spend hours throwing stones to enjoy the sour fruit. Just outside the huge drawing room is a smaller garden, where my cousins used to fly their kites... I wanted to be part of the exercise, and was handed over the spool much to my disappointment. After badgering them to let me fly a kite, I was finally given one which was one tenth the size of the normal one, much to my dismay.

Summer nights in small towns in those days were always spent sleeping outdoors....the charpais were laid out in a long row with the mosquito nets and after dinner and play we would retire there, the elders would come much later. Night sounds would be all around us.. the "siyaars" who we were told took away small children if they did not sleep early. One night I found that this true at all, although they came quite close and I had my eyes tightly shut with fear.

Meals were an event in Stanley Road .... a table for twelve could at times be too small for the number of people dining there. There would be ten at the minimum and the number would increase to fourteen or more when more cousins or aunts and uncles came there. But let me start with the breakfast first. There is a takhat  in the passage which goes around the bedrooms the steps of which lead to the courtyard. As children we sat on the takhat and ate our breakfast ... the kitchen was a good 100 meters away at least , shouts of 'Khansama.... toast le aao"  Khansama... fried egg banao".. my older cousins at their gracious best. The toasts would arrive crisp but cold having traipsed the distance from the western kitchen. I have since then always loved cold toasts!! I don't really remember any elder sitting there with us, perhaps they were in the dining room and possibly that was the reason for the temperature of the toasts.

The evenings would spent be in the "Gol kamra" or the round room, where uncles and aunts would sit together on another takhat  playing cards. A white cloth was spread to mark the start of the proceedings. We would watch with great enamor, each child attaching himself or herself to one as a lucky mascot. The mock anger and the shouts were amusing and great fun to witness. The game of cards was only abandoned when dinner was served and sometimes when the game was continued well after that. Most of the time though, everyone would sit and chat and then retire to the many rooms.

One thing which always bothered me as a child was the number of doors which led outside, each bedroom had a door, the bathrooms had a doors, the main entrance, the dining room, the entrance to the drawing room, there must have been someone to make sure all the doors were secure before leaving for the night and handing over the keys to the last man out, but I don't remember this very clearly, children normally are not concerned with the technicalities of how household are run.

My birthday used to fall in the winter vacations I remember a table placed in the upper garden laden with goodies in the evening. The party in the evening was for the other celebration but we used to watch from the "gol kamra" and wait for the wonderful dinner afterwards. What a feast it was, with the best of western and Indian food on the table, both kitchens must have been overactive since morning for this generous well laid meal.

The summer vacations were the longer ones, we would run to the "amrood ki bagiya" to buy the fruit for 5 naya paisa or was it 2? The shaded glade was like heaven in the heat of the afternoon. The dining room had a corner which had two pails filled with water in which mangoes were kept to cool, and while running around paying tag many a mango would disappear in the blink of an eye.Some of the games involved hiding and we would go upstairs and climb a rather small wall to reach the tiled roof ...it used to be almost an adventure to climb up to the sloping tiled roof and balance oneself while pretending nonchalance.

The only restaurant was "Kwality" then and we would go there for a meal or an ice cream,all bundled into one car, the taste of the 'softies' still lingers.

There are so many memories attached to this almost home, a place which will remain dear to me for all the happy memories which make up my childhood. It is not really possible to put them all down,perhaps another chronicle will do the job.

Random thoughts.

The term existence has been on my mind since I last wrote about it. I do not know the answer to the question of why I am. Some of those I spoke to said that we are here to be be joyful, others were of the opinion that we are here for strengthening of ties be they familial or of friendship all which are loving and caring. The wiser ones have said we are here to spread love.In the last century, the decade of the'60's was the one where the flower children were selling the idea of  "Peace"  " Spread love not war" . The familiar peace symbol was a rage even in the '70's. These concepts became jaded as later in the '80's we saw a cataclysmic change in all manner of things. Peace and love gave way to commerce and competition, but that is not what is really on my mind now. So while love was spread thinly over two decades, a new breed of youth were emerging, who were very cool with love and peace and what have you but lets get on with our bread and butter shall we? The invigorating atmosphere of commerce and the lets get it done attitude was what made the cash registers roll and the freedom of living worth the hours of work put in to enjoy it. Freedom is a very easily used word, freedom from penury, from spouse, from stress ..one can have all kinds of it. The thought that comes up here is that are we really free? We live our lives, for most it is a monotonous daily task of earning and then we want to be free for a few short days to enjoy the fruits of the labor. We are forever moving in concentric circles to be free from the circle we deliberately moved into. It gives meaning to our lives, this unending movement, this wanting to do something, be somebody, be the best perhaps in whatever we do. Most of the what we read today talks about excellence ... to excel in whatever one is doing. If everyone excelled would there be enough room at the top?Why can't we accept those that may not as somebodies too? We all want recognition to be that somebody, but aren't we already somebody ? If we do not get recognition do we cease to embody what we are already? And what are we really? All made up of flesh and bone brawn with a bit of brain thrown in? An efficient machine which runs with the help of the little brain. Our physicality is the similar to the other, give or take a foot and some inches.Inside us, we function in a similar way directed by the little grey. Similar physically but different because of the impressions that are left on the very same grey matter. Is our existence then what is impressed on to us, is it only the reaching of the heights of excellence, is it our wanting to be somebody which becomes the sole reason for which we really live? Or is it that which the greats have said... love peace and the spreading of joy the reaching of bliss. Are we born for achieving our goals (setting one's goals has gained prime importance, as has the interest in football ), and once we achieve them to aim for higher ones,to leave a mark for posterity to be remembered for the next few generations? Do we exist just for this?Is there anything higher than our own self gratifying needs, for whatever we do is for self gratification. Work, good deeds, prayers, happiness with friends,love for family ...even negatives like violence, corruption, all add up to the gratification of the self within us, the self within us which is untouched by what we do for its satisfaction.

I was told that we come into this world to realize the supreme truth. All that we do leads us towards this , our work, our pleasures our joys and sorrows, our relationships our searches and researches. In all of this  we are seeking that truth, that indelible supreme truth of realization.We search for galaxies, go to the moon, build houses on the earth, till the land...  all to find that which is the reason for which we are born. Some meditate to reach this, others do hard labor, very few find. We do what we do so that we can get something from what we do. With due respect to all those who meditate for bliss and joy,who sing joyously the songs of God, who pay devoutly to the Supreme, are we not doing everything for some gain?

Inside me there is a hollow, an emptiness which neither my breath nor my thoughts can touch... is this what I search for? The empty shell of my body covers it, the world weaves a web so sweet that it all but encompasses it, the emptiness remains, I embrace the hollow within.


 

Almost Silence

The silence of the night is upon me once again, an occasional honking on the road below me breaks the cocoon of the almost peace around me,an almost silence,an almost stillness. It will be much later that the still night will once again be calm and quiet the noise almost non existent in a city which never sleeps. Only the tapping of the keys and the sound of thoughts will break the stillness.

Just a few hours sitting in the midst of commerce I was surrounded by the noise of blatant activity. Movement of all kind, an expending of energy quite like in any normal day. I sat at my table and watched the dance of activity. The eyes looking outward could perceive the intensity of this energetic activity. Sounds which made up the day.... so varied but so similar in substance. People going about their daily chores, shops opening up to a new day, students on the way to school, screeching of brakes of an enthusiastic biker, haggling over the price of vegetables, the hum of the elevator. All of it part of an energy which is without and within, an energy which allows us to be a part of what is but which keeps us apart from what is. We are that which surrounds us all hurtling toward some unseen unknown goal, almost like the planets revolving around the sun, we revolve with our energies around our own limited suns, most of which are what we perceive to be our goals for a better existence. What is existence really? Is it just life which we live everyday with our emotional needs our physical wants our searches for perfection our spiritual leanings or is there something else? Why are we born , why do we give birth, why does this never ending cycle of birth/ death continue. What do we seek and why in that search for our center do we look around us sometimes with happiness and at other times with pain. Do we need to look within us more to find that we search for without?

I hear the cacophony , the noise we build up almost to counter the silence which is in us, almost as if we are afraid of facing it. We are social beings and so must interact , we must have music,literature, science commerce, at our disposal to make us whole and rounded beings . We must have the warmth of relationships the comfort of a home, the satisfaction of self sufficiency the happiness of nurturing. We need all these to assure ourselves,almost as if without these we would be inadequate, would we really ?

I search for a meaning for this existence, the more I search, the more silent I become, noise seems inconsequential , the almost silence becomes a haven.

Silence/ Words...

There comes a time when one has to put one foot down and acknowledge to oneself that enough is enough, to oneself and to those who have to be told that the last straw on the camel's back has broken and it is time they heard what is needed to be said.
Perhaps the better way is immediacy of action on the perpetrates of the act so that the matter rests and is not carried forward until emotions reach a point that there is no better way than to have your say.

Silence has many advantages, it is considered golden and if one reflects on this shining aspect of this quality one cannot doubt the veracity of the glow. In the midst of noise, silence is a haven. Often when many are together and there is loud talk and louder laughter, I have tended to withdraw or switch off my hearing capability so that what is around becomes useless sound, useless not to those that make it but to me most definitely. There is a space in everyone where which is quiet much like the calm waters of a lake in a turbulent river. Many see this, just as many swim in the turbulence and enjoy the challenge. Neither is good or bad , the lake or the flowing river, but if the turbulence is constant and unceasing it may be detrimental.

I had been told once by a certain 'Guru' that the first step towards spirituality is control of the tongue. Having been quiet most the time, it did not take me long to understand the meaning of what was being told to me. I have listened more than heard, seen more than looked, reasoned at people's behavior and understood that we react to certain things without thinking, almost with the instinct of an animal. We behave in a certain way because our past (however much we claim to live in the moment) interactions make us what we are today. There are those I have come across who are envious without any reason to be so and try to play the game of one- up-manship.They have their reasons,and if seen in the perspective of their history, they are perhaps legitimate in their envy. I leave them to it.

Yesterday was one of the days when I went against what was told to me and lost control of the little muscle in my mouth.I said what needed to be said and said it with force, I had been quiet for too long and heard what the other had to say for many years. How long can one take injustice meted out to oneself? There comes a time when the dam bursts and one can say what one has to with conviction. I had come to that point and had said my say. I realized much later that it must have hurt the person who was at the receiving end of my outburst, but I reasoned to myself that I had borne injustice for too long. Failed again... for I reacted with emotionality to the barbs and little arrows which had been aimed at me. They had never really hit me I has always believed but unknown to me they had left tiny wounds, the scars of which had healed, but it was the final little arrow which reopened the wound and made me react to what I was hearing. I was wrong ... I put myself in front of me and reacted to the barb which was aimed at me. My self importance overrode my self and in that moment I remembered why one needs to control one's tongue.Silence will always be golden.... what one considers to be injustice to oneself becomes of different aspect when weighed with silent consideration.